Phule’s Company by Robert Asprin

Author:Robert Asprin
Language: eng
Format: mobi
Tags: Science Fiction, Comedy, Humor
Publisher: Word Fire Press
Published: 2016-05-14T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter Nine

Journal #104

The assigning of partners within the company was a milestone event. Though it actually occurred over the space of several weeks, the effects were apparent almost immediately.

While great care had been taken in deciding who would be paired with whom, and for the most part the choices accepted by the Legionnaires, it was expected that there would be some complaints and protests. Needless to say, in this, at least, my employer was not to be disappointed.

* * *

“Excuse me, Captain. Have you got a minute?”

Phule glanced up from his coffee to find two of his Legionnaires, Do-Wop and Sushi, fidgeting at his table. It seemed that his relaxing morning cup of coffee was not going to be so peaceful.

“Certainly. Would you like to have a seat?”

“This shouldn’t take long,” Do-Wop said, shaking his head. He was of medium height and weight, with a coarse complexion and black curly hair that always looked like it needed washing. “We were wondering if it was possible to be assigned different partners. I mean, there are still some of the crew who haven’t been assigned …”

“Both of you feel this way?” the commander interrupted.

“That is correct, Captain,” Sushi confirmed crisply. A full head shorter than Do-Wop, he was a slightly built Oriental who dressed and held himself with meticulous precision. “Our personalities and values are incompatible. I’m afraid that any permanent association between the two of us would prove to be detrimental to the smooth operation of the company.”

“I see.” Phule nodded grimly. “Sit down, both of you.”

This time, it was a command, not an invitation, that was voiced, and the Legionnaires grudgingly selected chairs.

“Now then, tell me more about these incompatible values you’re experiencing.”

The two men glanced at each other, each apparently reluctant to be the first to voice his complaints. It was Do-Wop who finally took the plunge.

“He’s always talkin’ down to me,” came the complaint. “Just because he knows a lot of big words …”

The commander held up a restraining hand.

“I really don’t think that the size of your partner’s vocabulary should be a factor here.”

“It’s not just that,” Do-Wop said, flushing slightly. “He called me a crook—to my face!”

“I said you were a petty thief—and you are!” Sushi corrected sharply. “Anyone who would jeopardize the unity of the company for nickel-and-dime—”

“There! You see?” the other appealed to his commander. “How am I supposed to team up with someone who—”

“Just a moment!”

Phule’s voice cracked like a whip, cutting through the argument and cowing both men into silence. He waited for a moment until they had leaned back in their chairs, then turned to Sushi.

“I’d like a little clarification here,” he said. “How exactly would you define a petty thief?”

The Oriental glanced at the captain, then turned his gaze toward the ceiling.

“A petty thief is one who, in his criminal activities, takes risks disproportionate to the potential rewards.”

“Criminal activities!”

“Sit down, Do-Wop,” Phule ordered, keeping his eyes on Sushi. “If you can keep your mouth shut and listen, you just might learn something.

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